


bet you thought you'd seen the last of me

by Rikudera



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alien Biology, Drabble Collection, F/F, F/M, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gen, Ghostbusters References, M/M, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Trickster Mode (Homestuck), ignores the epilogue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-17 15:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28976265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rikudera/pseuds/Rikudera
Summary: A Homestuck drabble collection, usually based on either gifts/requests or character/ship weeks.
Relationships: Jade Harley/Dave Strider, Jake English/Dirk Strider, John Egbert & Dirk Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Kudos: 5





	1. Prince of the Forest

**Author's Note:**

> For chapter 1: Dirk and Jake in the new universe. Prompt was "I'm sorry" kiss.

The world beyond the door nearly arrests you with its beauty. Everything is fresh and whole and so very, very green from the life that bursts out everywhere you look. You stand in amazement at the trees, at the grass, at birds in the sky whose names you can’t recall, at the proud, solid mountains in the distance.

John and Karkat and Dave and Rose and everybody begin to surge forward, over the verdant hills. You teeter on trembling legs, like a newborn animal, unpracticed, until Jake catches your hand in his and pulls you forwards. His emerald eyes shine like the sun overhead, warming your bones, his hand squeezing yours once, smiling, and you find within yourself the strength to move.

In the valley beyond the crest of the hill, a cylindrical city bustles with activity. Someone gives a shout, and you join the surge towards the endless future.

~*~*~*~

“Jake,” you say, too quiet to truly call out to him and too cautious to approach more decisively. The sunlight is dappled through the trees at the edge of the forest, turning the world gold and green. Jake’s napping up on a branch because he can’t resist climbing things, even now, and you could swear, he glows with contentment. You almost hate to interrupt him, but you’ve been putting this off long enough.

“Dirk?” He cracks an eye open, looking down at you through his thick, dark lashes.

“Is it okay if we talk?” you ask, still quiet. Jake must sense your caution because he blinks himself to alertness.

“Of course,” he replies, giving you a small smile before climbing down and walking up to you. “I thought you were going to say something sooner.”

“Honestly,” you look down and laugh under your breath, mostly at yourself, “I don’t think I’m used to everything being over yet.” Your entire life has been either preparing for or playing the Game, until very recently; you don’t know what to do with peace. “But I can’t keep putting this off. It wouldn’t be right.”

“What is it?” Jake asks, touching his hand to your shoulder, where Hella Jeff is hiding under your shirtsleeve. You look back at him, your breath held in your chest like you’re holding a grenade. His frown is a small, cautious thing, but his green, green eyes look up at you steadily.

“I’m sorry,” blurts out of you, heaving, heavy. “I kept trying so hard to make everything perfect, like I thought I was helping you, or making you stronger, or trying to keep you safe, or being romantic, or-or protecting you, or _something_ ,” your voice destabilizes like a plane crashing towards the ground, all the lift gone out of its wings, “but I was the worst part of all that. I just ended up doing all this damage because I thought I knew what was best for you, or,” you choke back a lump in your throat, “for us, and I’m sorry, I-I messed up, and I’m _so, so sorry_.” You feel yourself crumpling, an imperfect draft, ready to be discarded.

“Dirk, is that really how you remember it?” He gazes at you, eyes so huge you could drown in them, and if you make him cry now, you’re never going to forgive yourself.

“Sometimes I… I feel like even talking to you now is just going to hurt you, in the end,” you confess. “That the only thing I could do to not hurt you anymore is to just never talk to you again.” You can’t find your balance in this conversation anymore. You’re going to topple over and never get to your feet again.

“You can’t mean that.” Jake steps closer, his brow furrowed. You cup his face in your hands and rub your thumb on his cheek as if wiping away tears, even though you’re the one who’s started to cry. “I don’t want to never talk to you again.” Jake’s hand is on your back, tilting you closer.

“Jake, I…” you begin, but have no idea where to go. Jake leans into you. You kiss him, slow, delicate, another first, uncertain step.

You feel like you’ve ruined so many things with him, but if you can somehow gather the splintered pieces of the mess you’ve made, you might be able to build them into something worthwhile again.

“Soon, okay?” you say quietly. “There are still some things I need to work out for myself, but,” you rest your forehead against his, “soon.”

“Okay,” he exhales.


	2. But It's Rainbow Road, C'mon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A pale Dirk and John thing.

You talk all night, about the stupidest, most mundane things, clutching cold mugs of coffee like a lifeline until morning. Black, because he says it’s manlier that way, but you don’t laugh if either of your noses scrunch from the bitterness. Life doesn’t always feel real anymore, and that’s a thing you might mention, sure, but what’s more important is your fanfic where Egon Spengler goes through a wormhole and meets Nikola Tesla and they fight Wolverine and his evil army of demons together.  
  
Can’t be too loud ‘cause some people in the house are sleeping, but why don’t you play some dumb games together. Escaping the room is more of an accomplishment when neither of you can fully understand the languages in the puzzles. And remember that shitty snake-like game on Neopets? You’re gonna get the highest score if you have to resort to ninja-tickling to win.  
  
Dave bursts in at four in the morning to yell at you guys for playing Mario Kart too loud, but it’s Rainbow Road, c'mon. You tell him he can be Toad if he stops acting like the world is conspiring against him.  
  
Next week, you make a note to finish redubbing Bill Nye quotes over clips of 90s magical girl animes.


	3. Delicate Condition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Potential sequel timeline to Death Valley. Mostly Rosemary and DaveJade. Includes discussion of alien pregnancy.

“I’m sure you’re wondering why we’ve called you all here,” Jade says. The teens milling around the common room of the Post-Victory Deified Party Town - some standing and talking, some sitting - start to quiet down. “Dave and I have an important announcement to make.” They wait until the room is entirely silent.

“…Well?” Karkat asks. The room is Almost Silent Save For Karkat, perhaps.

“I’m pregnant,” Dave says, wearing the universe’s most Excrement Consuming One-Pixel Upturn Of The Lips. John Egbert falls from his chair with a yelp not dissimilar to an innocent cholerbear pounced upon by a particularly enthusiastic catgirl.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Roxy Lalonde says, performing a flawless execution of the human squee.

Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you are simultaneously Intellectually Voracious and A Bit Peeved.

“You mean Jade is pregnant,” Jane says, blinking.

“Nope,” Dave says. Jane blinks again, at a higher frequency than what you and Jade have already calculated as medically necessary.

“You got human pregnant?” Karkat asks, moderately nauseated.

“Nah, it’s more Jade got me weird alien-hybrid pregnant,” Dave Doesn’t Actually Clarify Very Well.

“Does this mean anyone can get pregnant?” Sollux asks, horrified.

“ _Yesss_ ,” Roxy Lalonde says.

“I can’t believe you knocked up my brother with multiple semi-alien foetuses,” Rose says, smirking.

“And she won’t even make an honest woman out of me,” Dave complains.

“I told you,” Jade chides brightly, “I’m not marrying you for at least another couple years!”

“I Was Under The Impression Everyone Was Instructed To Delay The Procreation Experiments Concerning The New Species For At Least Two Sweeps,” you say to Jade.

“It wasn’t on purpose!” Jade replies quickly, looking Moderately Sheepish. John Egbert squeaks again. Terezi languidly prods him with her foot. “I know you wanted you and Rose to do it first, but it just kind of happened while I was distracted!”

“It’s not a race, Kanaya,” Rose says, glancing at you with much unspoken commentary. You know Rose is on the Teens With Post-Traumatic Symptoms Are Not Fit To Raise Small Creatures Of The Aforementioned New Species For Quite A Long While Team (as opposed to the You Would Make A Fine Lusus Despite Your Misgivings And I Said I Would Restore The Species And Also Wrigglers Are Visually Precious Team you happen to be on), but this is biological history in the making and it’s Perfectly Natural to be interested in the topic and to want to be the first couple to hatch the new generation.

“We still fucking won, though,” Dave says. He looks pleased, which is So Incredibly Unfair.

“There are about seven or eight eggs so far,” Jade adds, “But I’m predicting only about three or four in the clutch will make it to maturity. John Egbert collapses with a soft _wumph_ on the floor.

"It’s okay,” Terezi says, “he’s just passed out.”

“So far, the best names we’ve come up with are Nicki, Copernicus, Sophia, and Will,” Dave says, “but we’ve also considered Dorito, Marie, Arwen, and Dutton.”

“You’re considering naming one of the first non-salamander children in this universe Dorito?” Dirk Strider asks.

“Hell yes,” Dave says.

“Hell _fucking_ yes,” Dirk Strider says.

“I would fistbump you, but I’m in a delicate condition right now,” Dave says. They air-fistbump instead.

“I’m still going to need help with the prenatal tests,” Jade says to you. “It’s not like you won’t be participating that way.” You consider her Insidiously Tempting Apology.

“…Very Well,” you respond. “But There Will Indeed Be Many Tests Over The Course Of The Pregnancy.” Many, Many, Many Tests. You can hardly wait to start the experiments.

“I’m certain both you and all those larval nieces and nephews will be in perfect health with a professional on the case,” Rose says. “You and I will have to remain patient and merely practice extensively,” she murmurs to you, looking particularly pleased at the Downward Saunter of Dave’s Single Pixel that reveals his pregnancy has not adversely affected his auricular sponge clots. You’re glad Rose has regained her good cheer. You’re also looking forward to practicing.

“Great, I think the meeting is over for now!” Jade announces more loudly to the group, apparently having decided her sponge clots are the temporarily weakened ones. Sollux immediately absconds. “Is anyone going to wake John up?”

“Not until we’ve made him an uncle-to-be badge first,” Dave says.


	4. Wire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirkjake week prompt: canon moment
> 
> Content warning for canon character death (he gets better).

(What? Dirk Strider going through such an elaborate, desperate act of self-sacrifice and trusting Jake with everyone’s lives? It’s perfectly fine. No need to lose your head about it, bro.)

It’s down to the wire, and at times like these, it feels like that’s how your whole life has been.

(How’s he gonna kiss you if your head is in the future? How are you gonna leave the red miles surrounding you and Roxy’s body and stay alive?)

The idea of Jake saving you from peril is basically the complete opposite of the image you usually try to project, but you’d been willing to make that sacrifice for Jake. You just hadn’t expected it to be this… perilous. You didn’t think you’d have to go so far as sendificating your head. Sendificating _only_ your head. You know that when he kisses you, your dream self will wake up and let you continue helping Roxy and Jane. It won’t be permanent.

You’re still don’t want to die, though. You don’t want to not _be_ , however temporary. You can’t chip away at the icy marble shell of your being and expect it to not hurt.

You can’t even warn Jake, really.

(It’d mess up the chain. You’re bad enough at triangulating the different data points of this grisly, panicked strategy.)

Your head clamors with worry for your friends, with the terrible rhymes you’ve been making to work your sylladex, with all the things you’ve wanted to tell Jake that have been barred by four hundred years and five thousand miles of yearning. You wonder what the look on Jake’s face is going to be when he sees your head. You wonder if you’ll see it, or if your brain will have shut down by then. How many seconds does it take until the neurons stop firing into empty air?

(The miles are some deudly shit, bro. Time to do it.)

For a situation where every single second until the sendificator slices off your head is accounted for, you don’t feel in control of what’s going on at all. Everything will be in Jake’s hands, after that.

(You’ll just have to believe in him, is all.)

You’re not ready, but you hit the button anyway.


	5. Connection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirkjake week prompt: first encounters

You consider yourself a very mature eleven-year-old, but you can barely sit in your computer chair. Today’s the day.

TG: its todaaaaaaaaaaaaay  
TT: I know.  
TG: its really gonna happen huh  
TT: Yeah.

Within the privacy of your room in the middle of an endless ocean — only Cal there as witness to probably the most important day of your life so far — you cover your mouth with both your hands to hide your growing smile.

TG: we really get to meet them  
TG: like  
TG: i know its not actually MEETING meeting  
TG: but at the same time it iiiiis  
TG: come on dirky tell me im not the only one freaking out here  
TT: You’re totally the only one freaking out here.  
TG: omg you liarbutt :O  
TT: I’m exactly a hundred percent composed.  
TT: My butt is planted firmly in my chair, and my fingers are calmly poised over my keyboard.  
TG: liiiiiiiiiaaaaaarrrrrrr :P

Your chat client dings softly.

TG: yes go alien friend go

uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering timaeusTestified [TT]  
UU: hello there dirk!  
TT: Hey.  
UU: are yoU ready to see if this connection is working?  
TT: Bring it.  
UU: excellent.  
UU: i’m going to link yoU with one and roxy with the other, and if those work, i’ll switch the other links to active as well.  
TT: Sounds good.

*golgothasTerror added to chumproll*

TT: It’s working.  
TT: You really did it. This is amazing.  
UU: oh hUsh, it was nothing u_u  
UU: i’m simply glad to be able to connect yoU with him.  
TT: I’m gonna message him right now.  
UU: that’s the spirit.  
UU: i’m qUite tired from working on this thoUgh, so i think i shall take a qUick nap.  
UU: have fUn!  
TT: See ya.  
uranianUmbra [UU] ceased cheering timaeusTestified [TT]

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  
TT: Hey.

You wait.

TT: Is this working? UU said she’s been trying to connect us.  
GT: Well salutations there TT i do believe our mutual lady friend has accomplished her goal with aplomb!  
GT: Who might you be?  
TT: I’m Dirk.  
GT: Its capital to meet you then dirk! My name is jake.  
GT: It sure is grand to be able to chat with another person like this!  
GT: I dont know exactly why its so difficult to connect to people off my island.  
TT: You live on an island?  
GT: Yes its in the south seas. I can admit the view is gorgeous at times but i wouldnt recommend it as a permanent abode. Where are you from dirk?  
TT: Houston, in Texas, but it’s not that great, either.  
GT: And what does a fellow like you get up to in houston in texas?  
TT: Mostly I build robots and make sweet raps.  
TT: Sometimes I rap battle the robots.  
GT: Golly i didnt know you could make a rapping robot that sounds pretty high tech.  
TT: It’s nothin’ too advanced, really. Pretty much anybody could do it if they had the right components.  
TT: What kind of stuff do you do on your island?  
GT: I explore and go on adventures in the jungle and battle wild creatures and raid tombs and topple sacred urns and all that.

You’re not sure how long you keep talking to Jake, at first. It’s so easy to get lost in learning all about a new person for the first time that you mostly forget to respond to Roxy’s flailing about the girl she’s talking to, or to UU’s brother at all. Jake is a total nerd who probably watches way too many bad movies, but you’re okay with this because you’re technically a total nerd yourself.

Eventually, you decide to test just how much UU fiddled with the connection.

TT: Hey, do you mind if I try something?  
GT: What is it?  
TT: I wanna see if the video mode works.  
GT: Sure go ahead. I await your visage with bated breath!

Making a conscious effort not to bounce in your seat — because cool dudes most definitely do not bounce except as a metaphor for leaving unrad situations and going to radder ones — you enable your own video mode and send the request for Jake to do the same.

TT: Did you get it?  
GT: Yeah hold on ill be ready in two shakes.  
GT: Okay here goes.

A screen pops up of a boy your age, smiling with a significant overbite. His emerald eyes are sparkling with excitement behind his rectangular glasses, and his dark hair is sticking up at odd angles, not with the same sculpted intent as yours but willy-nilly, like he hasn’t touched a comb in years. His combs all probably died valiantly in battle.

GT: Boy are those some pointy spectacles!  
TT: They’re not glasses. My bro gave me these shades.  
GT: Right your bro I think I recall you mentioned him. Sadly mine are purely functional.  
TT: I’d guess there’s no room for anything other than functionality, if they’re that thick.  
GT: And I must assume in turn that youve got the shades a fellow might wear if he wanted everybody to know just how goshdarned cool he was?  
TT: You tell me. You’re the one lookin’ at ‘em.

You raise a single eyebrow just enough above your shades for him to see, and you will never admit to anyone _ever_ that you practiced doing exactly that in the bathroom mirror until you got it down perfectly. His teeth, if possible, poke even farther out as his grin widens, until he laughs aloud. You find yourself leaning forward, the novelty too exhilarating to risk missing any of it. Your own traitorous mouth twitches upwards in response.

It’s the first time you’ve seen somebody laugh like that outside of a movie. You can’t believe it’s going to be five whole years before you get to play the game. You can’t believe you have to wait another half a lifetime to meet him in person.

GT: Theres an expression on that visage of yours.  
TT: I only visibly emote when I talk to a really big dweeb.

Might as well spend the meantime enjoying it, though.


	6. Dirk Strider's Shell Lickin' Spicy Crab Dinner For Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirkjake week prompt: animals

You’re climbing down the scaffolding of your apartment, down to the small platform and patched-together dinghy tethered to it on the water’s surface. The diving equipment you’ve pieced together over the years is on your back, and one of the shorter blades your bro left for you is strapped to a thigh. Your shades are still on your face for the time being, but they’re about to get locked in a watertight container in lieu of your diving helmet.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
GT: Strider do you have a minute?  
TT: Sure.  
TT: I’m about to do a dive so I can check on the crab traps, but I’ve got a few until then.  
TT: What’s up, dude?

You reach the makeshift dock under your apartment and shrug your dive pack off your back so you can start attaching the hoses from the oxygen tank to your helmet.

GT: Well funnily enough my current expedition also involves a crustacean of some kind although its a mite larger than the ones youd find normally in the water!   
GT: It’s screaming at me something awful and shooting at it only made it crankier and your futuristic automaton is nowhere to be found and my attempts to get ahold of said mechanical hellion are not working!!!   
GT: And i am up a tree and i just want to get back to my room so can you please just page the darned brobot and have him chase this dastardly crab monster off!!!!!!

You freeze in the middle of putting your equipment together, and in the next few seconds, you’ve fired up the connection to the brobot’s camera.

TT: On it.   
GT: Thank you thats very accomodating.   
GT: The crab cant climb the tree but id rather not have to be up here if you understand.

You most certainly did _not_ build Jake a robotic bodyguard-slash-sparring-partner to have him twiddle his tungsten-alloy thumbs while Jake is being accosted by the alien wildlife.

TT: Ok, it looks like the brobot’s in the jungle, but he’s not moving.   
TT: I can’t access the override to test mode until I’m back upstairs, but I can switch on the tracking and send him to your location that way until then.   
GT: That would be about a million times much more helpful than hes been so far today.

The tracking command works like it always does, but the brobot doesn’t move other than to flail.

TT: Shit, I think he’s stuck.   
GT: Hes not caught in the vines is he?   
GT: That happens on occasion.

He’s totally caught in the vines.

TT: He should’ve been able to slice his way out, if that were the case.

And yet.

TT: Okay, well, I’m working on getting him out, but in the meantime, I wasn’t under the impression those crabs were bulletproof.   
GT: I dont want to kill the poor thing i just want it to go away.   
TT: Crab is pretty tasty with the right sauce. Just sayin’.   
GT: Id have to go back to the stores in the ruins to find that stuff and to be perfectly honest i just want to go back to my room as soon as possible :(

The brobot’s just getting more tangled the more he struggles to escape, so you cancel your previous tracking command. Jake’s just gonna have to untangle the brobot later.

Which means he’s also going to have to get rid of the alien crab monster himself, so you’ve got to convince him to do it.

TT: Maybe I can scavenge you some sauce while I’m on my dive and then sendificate it to you?   
GT: Youd really do that?   
TT: I mean, I can’t promise anything for sure, but sometimes I can find packets of taco sauce.   
TT: It’s technically been expired for hundreds of years, but it doesn’t taste too weird if you don’t pay too much attention to it.   
TT: And you probably won’t get food poisoning.   
GT: Hmmmm…   
TT: I know it’s kinda lame but,   
TT: If you kill that stupid monster, we can eat victory crab together in some incredibly nebulous definition of simultaneosity.   
TT: It’s better than just waiting in the tree, right?   
GT: …Okay.   
GT: I’m willing to try it.   
TT: Great.

You leave the brobot alone for now and finish putting your diving equipment on.

GT: Haha itll be like a timeline-spanning bro hangout dinner!

No candlelight needed, you guess. That shit’s overly cheesy, anyway.

TT: Yeah.   
GT: Heh this is actually kind of neat if you think about it.

You might still call it a date in your head, though.

GT: Okay mister crab your reign of tyranny ends here!!!  
TT: Catch you when I’m done. Plus the sauce, with any luck.  
GT: You can do it!  
TT: Back at ya, dude.  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original recipe can be found [at this link](https://www.justapinch.com/recipes/appetizer/seafood-appetizer/shell-lickin-spicy-garlic-crabs.html).


	7. Kaleidoscope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirkjake week prompt: tricksters.
> 
> Content warning for Trickster Mode.

Around and around and around and you’re so dizzy, there are so many colors, but you won’t fall over. You can’t fall over. You can’t get relief. There has never been and never will be any respite from yourself. You were foolish to attempt otherwise.

You can’t fall, but you can sit. You can lay down. You can plant yourself here stubbornly and never move again. You want to cry. Would it come out as orange soda?

You try to find out, but you can’t cry. That seems the most unfair of all.

“Hey, Dirk’s on the ground again!”

“What? On the ground?”

“On his butt on the ground.”

“Well, someone get him up!!!!!!!!!!!”

“Yeah get him up!!!!!!!!!!!”

The sprites are just staring at you. You exchange mutual rude gestures with one of them and then screw your eyes shut. The colors are still there.

“Hey Dirk get up!”

“No.”

“Dirk!!!!!!!!!!!” Oh fuck, it’s him.

“I want to die.”

“Well, that’s just silly, Dirk!”

“Just go away and let me die.”

“But we can’t get married if you die, Dirk!”

“I’m not marrying you.” You try to cry again, and it comes out as a strangled laugh.

“Up you get!” He lifts you up by the arm, and you just sort of hang there, staring at him. He’s grinning so wide it makes your eyes hurt. “Mister Erisol, come over here and marry us!”

“Fuck you.”

“Ooh are we gettin married now?” Roxy beams.

“Oh yes, let’s get married right now!” Jane agrees.

“Mister Arquius, come here and get us married.”

“Dirk,” oh god, now he’s in on it too, “did you know that anyone can become an ordained minister through a simple online course?” You glare at him. “I just became an ordained minister in the time it took to say my last sentence. Look at my muscles, Dirk. These are muscles of a minister.”

“I want to die even more now,” you protest, though you stand up because your shoulder is starting to get sore. You’ve got to find a way to talk everybody out of this.

“No, we have to get married, Dirk!” Jake says.

How can you get them off this train of thought again? Make more zilly santas? No, that won’t take up enough time. Pretend to embark on a quest for the perfect wedding ring while you wait for the sugar to wear off? Roxy already shoved one in your face, so that won’t work, either.

“We’re all going to have a zillion babies for each of us, so we have to get married as soon as possible!”

Ugh, you can’t think like this.

“You know that it’s biologically impossible for us to have a zillion babies, right?” You want to pound your head repeatedly into a wall. “The sugar didn’t screw with your brain _that_ much, did it?”

“I think we just haven’t practiced enough. That’s why we need to get married, so we can practice the right way.”

“Fuck my entire life, it did.” You have to think of _something_ to distract them. You try scanning your most recent chat logs for something you can use.

That one’s no good… That one’s useless, too… Ugh, there’s the one with AR before he merged with the sweaty alien dude. Here’s… oh, you didn’t see these messages from Roxy before.

What’s this about god tier? Okay, wow, she’s teasing you about that thing Calliope drew you. That’s just embarrassing. Why did you tell anyone about those shorts?

“…So it’s settled then,” Jake is saying, suddenly throwing an arm around your waist. You yelp, then attempt to compose yourself again.

“Wh-what’s settled?” Shit, you haven’t been paying attention. You hope nothing is on fire.

“We’re going to get married right now!” Jake says. “You and me and Jane and Roxy, and then we’re going to have a zilli—”

“WAIT!” you say. Jake pauses, pouting and blinking expectantly at you.

“What is it, Dirk?” Even his eyelashes are green, now.

“We can’t get married yet because… uh… because…”

“I’m _waiting_ , so hurry up,” Jake says, his other hand on his hip, on his short, short shorts.

“Because we haven’t gotten our wedding clothes yet!” you blurt out.

Oh god. That was probably the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.

“Well, why didn’t you say so in the first place!” Jake does another 180 back to the horrifying grinning. “All we need to do is get those nuptial rags, and then all our problems will be solved forever!”

“Yeah!!!!!!!!!!” Jane and Roxy echo.

“How are we going to get the clothes, though?” Jane asks.

“All you have to do is—” you start.

"Ooh! Ooh! I know!” Roxy interrupts joyously.

“ _What_.”

“I know how we can all get new clothes at once!” Roxy says.

You stare back at her manic eyes.

“Yeah, Calliope told me!” she continues. “We gotta go to our quest crypts and then… stuff happens, and then we all get new clothes and everything is fine!” At least she _sort of_ remembers what the quest crypts are for. You’re desperate enough to count it as a small victory, at least.

“The carapacians are giving us the clothes,” you add on quickly.

“Are they?” Jane asks.

“Absolutely,” you answer, trying to sound as confident as possible. “That’s why we have to go there before we do anything else. And…” think, Dirk, _think_ , “we have to go to our quest crypts, so they give us the right ones, or they’ll get confused and mix them up.”

“Oh boy!” Jake says. “I can’t wait to get my snappy new duds!!!!!!!!!!!” He finally lets you go so he can bounce on his feet and give an inane round of applause; the girls quickly join in.

“Yeah,” you answer in a monotone. You feel ill. You feel like maybe if you all go to your quest crypts instead of coming up with more shitty excuses to keep everyone from regretting this sugar-fueled-disaster _even more_ , you might actually find the energy to go through with what’s required for ascension to god tier. “Let’s go.”

“This is going to be the bees knees!” Jake giggles.

“A goddamned four-way wedding, fuck my entire life,” you groan. “Just don’t do _anything else_ until you’re on your quest crypt, okay? Just message me, and I’ll tell you how to get the clothes.”

“Oh, Dirk, stop being such a worrywart!” Jake grins. “I couldn’t imagine getting married without you!”

“That’s… that’s great, Jake.” You’re so tired. If you have to fucking break up with him again once he’s rational, you’re going to be pissed.

“See you in a jiffy!”

“…See you.”


	8. In A Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirkjake week prompt: sadstuck

“Dirk…”

“Yeah?” You arrive at consciousness fairly abruptly, though you manage to keep from being startled. You’re not sure you’ll ever be completely comfortable with it, but sleep isn’t as new a concept as it used to be. It’s a small but treasured mercy that you don’t have to sleep alone anymore.

It’s just after sunrise, Jake is warm on your left side, and the blankets are all cocooned around your bodies.

“It’s going to be a year, soon.” Jake doesn’t have to specify; you both know he means since the end of the game.

“That’s good,” you reply. You hadn’t expected to get this far. Are you kind of a wreck? Yeah, but so’s most everybody else, in at least one way or another. “It’s good to not have to worry about that shit anymore.”

“I don’t want to have to do that again,” Jake says, wrapping his arm tighter around you. “I don’t want anybody to get hurt anymore, or…” he mumbles the next bit into your shoulder, “…or get their head cut off or heart ripped out.”

“Despite popular opinion,” you reply, turning your head to look at him, “I like the fact that my head is attached to my shoulders, and I fully intend to keep it there.” Jake’s frown deepens. Dammit, that was supposed to cheer him up. You take his hand, lacing your fingers together, palms pressed tight as he leans into you more. “And, uh…” you have to dart your gaze down to your hands for a moment, “sometimes it’s nice to know something’s there, after all.” You look back, allowing yourself a faint smile. “Everything present and accounted for.”

Your smile falters when you see Jake’s eyebrows scrunch together and feel his chest hitch sharply.

Jake rolls on top of you and looks down, splays a hand over your chest, right over your heart. You can feel his hand over your heart in a way that has nothing to do with any physical sensation; you wonder if Jake’s aware of that. Of what it means about how you feel about him. You wonder if he knows that’s something you’d never let anyone else do, ever, not even Dave. Just him.

“He just ripped it out, you know,” Jake murmurs. “He ripped it out and smashed it on a rock.” You can see his mouth twist downwards in the early morning light. “And… and then he exploded, and all I could do was watch, and it was _awful_ , Dirk, so please don’t joke about that.”

Oh, he’s… he looks like he’s about to cry. You feel _terrible_.

“…I’m sorry,” you rasp out, throat suddenly tight. You know you can’t say you didn’t mean for it to happen, that it wasn’t your decision, because in the end, you’re the one responsible for the actions of whatever you create. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t put anything of yourself into the brobot.

And it’s not like you haven’t done anything drastically violent to yourself for the sake of someone else.

“I know I’m bad at…” you continue, putting your hand over his again, “…talking about my feelings.” Jake leans closer. “But they haven’t changed.” You’d thought—from the few hours between the sugar hangover and the first moment you’d spoken with him again—that you could just stop feeling anything for him, if you only concentrated on it hard enough. It was better than risking hurting him again. “I’m not goin’ anywhere, as long as you don’t want me to.”

“Don’t go.” Jake says quietly. You pull him closer.

“…Okay.”


	9. Bustin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirkjake week prompt: AU

“Okay!” Jake says, hands on his hips. “Where’s that darned specter flown off to?” He’s scanning the face of the old hotel your team has driven to, and as you finish strapping on your proton pack, you have to fight to keep the corner of your mouth from quirking up.

“Have you turned the PKE meter on yet?” you ask him. Jake jumps, then looks back at you.

“Oh, uh…” Jake rubs at the back of his neck sheepishly. “I think Roxy’s the one in control of that doohickey?”

“Firing up one ghost-o-meter!” Roxy beams, pulling it from its holster on her own pack and turning the dials. “Calibrating to current latitude, longitude, and estimated ectoplasmic signature.”

“It’s called a PKE meter, Roxy,” you tell her. “I didn’t spend all my time crafting all this highly sophisticated and probably-stable equipment for them to be misnamed.”

“What do you mean, probably stable?” Jane asks you, pausing mid-draw of her fermion shock trident.

“We’re about to do the practical testing,” you shrug. “It’s fine; that’s just how uranium-based weaponry works.”

“If this explodes in my face, I’m holding you responsible,” Jane says.

“That’s fair. But I’m pretty confident it should only be harmful to the ghosts.”

“I believe in you, Dirk!” Jake says, walking back to you and throwing an arm around your shoulder. “We’re going to scrum with these phantasmal hooligans until they cry uncle.”

“That’s one way to put it,” you smirk. Jake nuzzles your nose because he’s completely shameless.

“Wow,” Roxy snickers, “all this PKE meter is pickin up is a bunch of ghost cheese.”

“Okay,” Jane says. You reluctantly extract yourself from Jake. “Everybody got their new toys ready?” You join in the affirmations from the other two jumpsuit-and-proton-pack-wearing members of your investigative team. “Now, let’s—”

Suddenly, you’re interrupted by another car pulling up. Another ghost-fighting car, to be more specific.

“What is this crap?” Roxy complains. “We’re investigating this hotel! This city’s got enough ghosts in it that you don’t have to snipe our find.”

The other ghost-hunting team piles out of their car. You’re speechless.

“I think you should leave this one to the professionals,” the presumed leader of the other team says. His name tag reads EGBERT. “We’ve determined the apparition haunting this building is a class-three at least, so it’s unfortunately above your level to handle.“

“Fuck levels,” you retort. “We were here first.”

“We’ve got semi-unstable equipment, and we’re not afraid to use it!” Jake declares.

“Oh my god,” another member of the other team laughs, “that equipment is at least three versions of date. I was expecting better from you, dude.” That last bit, you know, is addressed to you, the STRIDER patch on his suit matching your own. “Take a look at this baby.” He draws a mechanical sword from his pack.

“You wanna go?” you ask him, drawing your own nuclear-powered blade in response. “We can go.”

“Stop being so immature, you guys!” another opposing team member says, HARLEY written on her jumpsuit. Her own proton rifle, unfortunately, is about ten times more advanced than the one you made Roxy. “It’s okay, guys, you’ll be able to work with rare earth magnets eventually.”

“You know,” the final member name whose patch reads LALONDE comments, apparently calm enough to merely fold her arms instead of producing yet more weaponry, “we could probably take down that ghost faster if we worked together on this.”

“You’re trying to apply logic?” Jane asks her.

“I didn’t realize it was verboten,” Lalonde replies sarcastically.

“I agree with Rose,” Harley says. “I just want to play this game and have fun!”

“I think we should work together, too!” Jake says. The traitor. “I do have one small inquiry before we start, though, Jade.”

“What is it?”

“How did you get that custom head? And can I have one, too?”

“Guys, this is a very serious MMORPG!” John yells. “Please treat it with the respect it deserves!” You pause in your roleplay at your computer to repress a snicker at the phrase _serious MMORPG_.

You stop snickering when Jake gives his Ghostbuster character a Na’vi head.


End file.
